Outed!

So there I am, waiting for my turn at the till at Dischem*. I am holding a large tub of USN's Diet Fuel (a low-calorie protein shake thingie that really is quite delicious in chocolate mint flavour) that bears a picture of a six-packed torso and I am wearing designer jeans, GAP sandals a light pink golf-shirt.

I am obviously a HOMOSEXUAL ON THE MAKE.

In front of me is a straight old Jewish gent** who is waiting for the tellar to ring up his purchases. Behind me is an older straight Jewish gent who has a fidgety energy, and, I find out, a loud voice. Let's call them SOJGI and SOJGII. Please note there are lots of free tellars around us.

SOJGII: Are you guys moving, hey?
Me [turning round]: Yes, we are.
SOJGI: [starts taking out credit card to pay for purchases, sees my tub of Diet Fuel] Does that stuff work, hey?
Me: Yes, it actually does.
SOJGI: [pauses momentarily in his extraction of credit card from wallet] Like, how much do you have to take, hmm?
Me: Um, you just make yourself a milkshake after you've been to the gym.
SOJGII: [loudly] HEY! Are you guys moving, hey?
SOJGI: [still to me, finally handing his card to the tellar] So, like, have you lost weight with this stuff?
Me: Ja, a bit. But you've got to go exercise as well-
SOJGII: [really surprisingly loudly for a skinny old man] HEY! WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO AND GRAB YOURSELVES A NICE COFFEE SOMEWHERE, HEY?
SOJGI: [to him] Pipe down! [back to me] Coz I was thinking I should get myself some-
SOJGII: REALLY, COZ YOU'RE INCONVENIENCING EVERYBODY ELSE IN THIS WHOLE SHOP. NOW WHY DON'T YOU BOYS GO AND HAVE CHAT AT A COFFEE SHOP SOMEWHERE WHERE THE TWO OF YOU CAN SIT AND HAVE A NICE TIME-
SOJGI: [finally signing his credit card slip] WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF, HEY? USE ANOTHER BLADDY QUEUE WHY DON'T YOU?

And it went on a bit more until SOJGI left the shop and SOGJII got tired of shouting and went to an empty tellar. Really, you give up looking for love and random strangers think you're soliciting sex from seniors in the middle of a discount drug store.

Also: do these things only happen to me? I ask those of you who know my romantic history to cast your minds back to the 'AwwbabyIloveyoooooouuu' tale. I really should write that up. I shall. But right now I have to get back to describing some Baroque nobbing!


*Wondrous shop of plenty, and of cheapness. Want moisturiser? Try a whole aisle of cheap moisturisers, and another whole aisle of designer ones.
**Not anti-Semitic, a necessary observation if you are to imagine the accent and style of repartee that follows. You need to imagine a broad accent from Linksfield, Johannesburg. And, yes, I have enough of a gaydar to tell that these two were not FELLOW HOMOSEXUALS ON THE MAKE.