How not to skate
It seems the Scrivener of all things Scroobious and I are having the same life experience at the moment, viz: trying not to fall over while moving at speed along a pile of (mostly) solid-state H2O.
Reader, we don't (usually) conspire in this fashion. Is mere coincidence. Really.
All I will say is that when you haven't been ice skating for 17 years, you should:
1. Not pay any attention to the pair of Cute Young Men Who Understand Colour Co-ordination nearby. Looking *anywhere* but straight in front of you leads to lack of balance. Lack of balance leads to flailing of arms. Flailing of arms leads to one looking like a git. Looking like a git in front of Cute Young Men Who Understand Colour Co-ordination leads to embarrassment, which leads to self-hate, and of course you end up at the Dark Side.
2. Not disregard your body. If something, like your shins, is feeling veryveryhurty, stop skating. Do not continue skating in an attempt to be Manly because not only will it not (a) erase how stupid you looked earlier as per Point 1, but (b) you will find that your Manly Persistence has meant your horrible hired skates have cut into the skin on your shins.
3. Never think that you have the hang of it after half on a hour on the ice. You don't. Trust me on this. Stick your comfortable slow shuffle on the perimeter of the rink. Any attempt to move towards the centre of the rink where the cool kids are doing figures-of-eight and such means you will have teenagers suddenly whizzing past on all sides at great speed. Fast-moving objects nearby you on the rink - especially when you are far from the side and have nothing to hold on to - can lead to shrieking, loss of balance and flailing of arms. This will lead to further embarrassment, self-hate, and the Dark Side.
4. Not try your hand (feet?) at speed skating. Reader, someone first has to tell you how to come to a halt. As comfortable as you may be feeling two hours into your skating session, you should ignore memories of when you were once actually able to skate quite well. Sure, speeding up along the length of the rink is a fanastic sensation, and you fondly start imagining yourself as Tonya Harding (before she got her boyfriend to try to break Nancy Kerrigan's kneecaps) mixed with a 1983 Jessica Biel in Flashdance - but then suddenly there are other skaters in front of you and you can't get out of the way in time and in your head the needle skips on the vinyl of What A Feeling and you find out that turning one foot sideways is how to *pirouette*, not how to stop, and then you find your knee connecting with the ice, with all your weight on top of it.
Reader, ice may be nice in Coke and in slushies, and on a well-used ice rink it may look wet and friable, but trust me: ice is hard.
Reader, we don't (usually) conspire in this fashion. Is mere coincidence. Really.
All I will say is that when you haven't been ice skating for 17 years, you should:
1. Not pay any attention to the pair of Cute Young Men Who Understand Colour Co-ordination nearby. Looking *anywhere* but straight in front of you leads to lack of balance. Lack of balance leads to flailing of arms. Flailing of arms leads to one looking like a git. Looking like a git in front of Cute Young Men Who Understand Colour Co-ordination leads to embarrassment, which leads to self-hate, and of course you end up at the Dark Side.
2. Not disregard your body. If something, like your shins, is feeling veryveryhurty, stop skating. Do not continue skating in an attempt to be Manly because not only will it not (a) erase how stupid you looked earlier as per Point 1, but (b) you will find that your Manly Persistence has meant your horrible hired skates have cut into the skin on your shins.
3. Never think that you have the hang of it after half on a hour on the ice. You don't. Trust me on this. Stick your comfortable slow shuffle on the perimeter of the rink. Any attempt to move towards the centre of the rink where the cool kids are doing figures-of-eight and such means you will have teenagers suddenly whizzing past on all sides at great speed. Fast-moving objects nearby you on the rink - especially when you are far from the side and have nothing to hold on to - can lead to shrieking, loss of balance and flailing of arms. This will lead to further embarrassment, self-hate, and the Dark Side.
4. Not try your hand (feet?) at speed skating. Reader, someone first has to tell you how to come to a halt. As comfortable as you may be feeling two hours into your skating session, you should ignore memories of when you were once actually able to skate quite well. Sure, speeding up along the length of the rink is a fanastic sensation, and you fondly start imagining yourself as Tonya Harding (before she got her boyfriend to try to break Nancy Kerrigan's kneecaps) mixed with a 1983 Jessica Biel in Flashdance - but then suddenly there are other skaters in front of you and you can't get out of the way in time and in your head the needle skips on the vinyl of What A Feeling and you find out that turning one foot sideways is how to *pirouette*, not how to stop, and then you find your knee connecting with the ice, with all your weight on top of it.
Reader, ice may be nice in Coke and in slushies, and on a well-used ice rink it may look wet and friable, but trust me: ice is hard.
posted by vivaldifan | 12:51 AM
1 Comments:
Ohhhh so familiar.
Also, at Friday's session, one member of the group was having a particularly hard time (I loved her for distracting attention from my own troubles). I well remember the instructor yelling after her, "Stop, Michelle! Stop!" And I thought: "But you git, you haven't told us *how*..."
Instructor and Beloved later conspired to berate me for going too fast (like I meant to!) and kept saying: "If you're out of control, just stop."
Dudes. If I can't even slow down, what makes you think I can stop? (Other than by the tried and tested method of throwing myself on the mercy of the snow, bum first, which technique I did indeed perfect during the course of the day. Also, sometimes, face first. I have been really well exfoliated.)
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